Language Rant and Gummy Worm Handcuffs

I’ve talked about this with a few other people in my group- the feeling of being “handcuffed” while speaking another language. Yeah, it’s one thing in a beginning language course, but that feeling slowly went away (in both languages) as I took more and more classes. However, at the time, I usually knew most of the words/tenses/etc needed for the classroom situation. And if not, I could look it up the night before (the night before a text, oral exam, etc). Pas de problème. However, it is totally totally totally different when you’re literally (okay, not literally) drowning in a sea of Spanish.


Random.

Backtrack. When I say “handcuffed”, I mean you feel so constrained by the few things that you actually know how to say. This isn’t just in a classroom setting here, but also in a social setting. We’ve learned a bit about the fear of “losing your identity” when you’re required to speak a different language, and I can now see that that’s totally true. Not when I’m with other Americans trying to speak Spanish, no, because when in doubt you can always whisper an English word, or fall back on mannerisms and tone to kind of get your personality across.

Here, though, this doesn’t always work. When I’m talking to Dominicans who speak little English, and I’m speaking Spanish, I feel as if I don’t always get myself across. Not just my point, but myself. Humor is very difficult to translate, and so is my need to be sarcastic 70% of the time. Not only am I being handcuffed by the words that I don’t know, but also the slang, the mannerisms, the tone of voice that helps me express myself in English.

However, this feeling isn’t as strong as it was three weeks ago, definitely. Also, when/if I find out that the person who I’m stumbling through a conversation with happens to speak French, I literally (okay, again, not literally) feel a wave of relief fall over me. Pretty much every time this has happened, the person has been Haitian. I LOVE HAITIANS. THEY SPEAK FOUR LANGUAGES. (Can you speak four languages? Does one of them happen to be freaking Haitian Creole? Yeah, no, didn’t think so).
When this happens, I go from awkwardly trying to talk and be myself under the confines of Spanish to breathing a HUGE sigh of relief and saying “Ahhhhhhh tu parles français? Ah mon Dieu c’est beaucoup plus facile pour moi de parler en français. Eh bien, oú étions-nous?”
While I still can’t totally and completely be myself in French, I still feel a million times more relaxed speaking French than speaking Spanish. It's like I still have handcuffs on, but they're like... gummy worm handcuffs.



Interestingly enough, before I came here, I’d find that I would often slip French words into my Spanish. Usually without thinking, but sometimes just as a guess, if I didn’t know the Spanish word.
Now, however, that has totally changed. I can’t speak in French without occasionally switching an ici for an aquí, or donc…/bien…. for entonces…. This really hasn’t been an issue, because whomever I’m speaking with still gets it… I just think it’s funny.